Underneath the Stars.

Friday, May 30, 2008

Super Penat la Kan

12:16 AM

i just got back from kenduri. and its midnight again.
another tiring day.
saw all those faces that i don't wish to see. ergh. disgusted.
one of the kepokia..said that this person kepala angin will never change.
well, she should see who she is first before talking about others.
her mouth is too much. i remember she saying that after arwah's gone,
she wants to change. change kebabai. mulut tetap penuh ngan dosa!

just now my mom brought my sister graduation picture because
arwah's wife wants to see it. everybody wants to see it except for that kepokia.
(the one i mentioned on top)
she gave a dirty look and ignore that picture when people show it to her.
i bet she's jealous. she's one arrogant person.

anyway, highlight of the day.
the Urut session the kids have.
Seven of my nieces went around the house and ask who wants urut.
at first it was free. suddenly they came up with this idea to ask us to pay.
and pretend they open up this urut business stuff.
first they urut one of the auntie. and she paid $1 each.
second, my sis. $1 each too.
third , me. but i only have to pay 50 cents. because I'm still a student.
its super shiok la.
just imagine, u lie on this mattress and 7 people massage at different places.
such as hands, legs, back and head.
pleasure.
i also over heard that they want to open up a spa. traditional urut stuff.
how adorable.

all right, i think that's all for now. have to recharge my self for tomorrow.
have to wake up in the morning wrap presents for my nephew birthday party.
then go raffles to order balloons. and go aloha, decorate the chalet.
so exited. but its gonna be another long day.

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Just Stop, Stop Punishing Me

5:05 PM

yesterday was a hell day.

my love life is complicated.
hate and anger is the word to discribe my family feelings towards
him. and that's his feelings towards my family.
all this started ever since "that" happen.
im not even allowed to meet him animore. but i really miss him
so i risk it. but end up.some mulut murai..saw me on the bike with him.
tak sempat pergi mana2 pun!
its different now.. last time.. i can just go out with him anytime im free.
now.. haram. i have to lie just to meet him.
and oh yah, the day before yesterdae. i dream about getting caught being with him.
and it did happen.
my dad ask my sis to send me to my aunt's place.
and there...i saw that mulut MURAI!
i just feel like punching her face. suka nar jaga tepi kain orang.kain sendiri tak terurus.
grrr.so mad.
my dad threw a solid toy on my leg. and the bruise is obvious! that is just 0.01%
of what i should get.
when i got home. he scream at my face. i see hell. i just deny that..that wasn't me.
swear and swear and swear and he sort of believe me. but i know he is stil doubting me.
yesterdae, he said this to me..
" if one more time you lie to me, ayah akan sumpah adik. ayah tak kesah. i don't care if
i lose u!"
my heart breaks into million pieces.
well,let the rest of the story be a secret.

first i lost my dad
second...i almost lost my boyfriend.
third i lost my mom.
fourth..i lost my sister.
she wants to live on her own. she dont wants to know anithing
or other words..nak enjoy,nak susah..apaper sendiri.
used to be so close. but i dun see it animore.
i have nobody now.
my secondary family? no way. i simply hate them to the core.
im just so confuse.
if i have the money..i will leave this family for sure. go far far away
since they don't need me in this family
i am no longer the daughter in the family.
so.. it doesnt matter.

aniway...kakak..
if you are reading this..
CONGRATULATIONS for your GRADUATION.
you've made ayah proud.
atleast he got someone in the family to be proud of.

Monday, May 26, 2008

Idiotic Bit*h

1:23 PM

Yesterday was such a tiring day.
Woke up early in the morning to go my aunt's
house. she's going umrah.
there were 1 van, 5 cars, 5 bikes.
just to send her. im sure gonna miss her.
after that went to rumah arwah abah.And got home
after midnight. super tired la..
but it was a fun day.

so many things is happening to my family in 2008.
first..me.
second.atiqah.
third.abah
fourth.mak

talking about atiqah. ran away from home.
gosh..thats the most stupidest thing ever man.
i don't know what the hell is wrong with her.
yes, its true that she have low IQ. but
common la.. such unappreaciative biatch.
i face so much.. but i don't run!
she run just because of freedom. FREEDOM HOTAK KAU!
she is my cousin. but what she did to this family.
make me hate her to the core.the first time she ran.
i found her. i took her home. second time. my uncle took her home.
third time, my sis found her, she took her home.
now.. gone with the wind.
don't she read the newpaper, berita harian or whatever about abah?!
abah..he is the one who took care of her when she was small.
mak.. she was the one who took care of her during her schooling years.
and yet she busted both!
i swear she's gonna regret her whole life for what she did. Abah took care of her
.he gave her his everything.. but what she give in return? nothing.
she wasn't even there when dorang nak kebumikan abah.
she wasn't even there when mak was at the airport going to umrah.
so cruel! i hate her.
infact, my cousin's hate her too.
ish.. if i see her. im gonna hit her with all my energy !
i have the right to hit her. i am not her parents. but im her aunt.
(HER CLOSEST ONE SOMMORE!! )
her parents gave me the authority to do things as long as its for her own good.
she run away three times...sikit pun tak kene sentuh.
bebual baik-baik pun tak guna. tangan jugak nak kene jalan.
k k.. im overreacting... (breathe in...breathe out...)

k im cool now...
please lah..who ever who know that idiot cousin of mine.
please ask her to come back!

Saturday, May 24, 2008

Happy Anniversary

3:12 PM

Happy Anniversary my love.

its been 2 years and 5 mths facing happiness and hardship together.

im glad that wé're strong as ever.

i love you love!

He died as a hero.

2:00 PM

I love him so much.
forever i will.
though now i lose him. he will always be fresh in my mind.
he is and forever will be a part of me.
he, my uncle. who passed away in a tragic way.
he was in the Newpaper, Berita Harian and Straits Time.
the one who drowned in the sea at marina south.

summary of it...
his instruction saved my family lives. but he didn't survive
tragic sinking. in the boat there were 12 of my family members.
3 children. and 1 pregnant.
my uncle has history of heart problem.
he managed to yell out instruction to my family members and
whistled his heart out till he's so weak.luckily. my abg sedara
managed to hold him or else,i think he will lie there on the seabed.

to know the story ..
go read straits time page 1 and 2 (home)
berita harian page 2.
newpaper page 6 and 7.

the ustaz who mandi kan jenazah.said that drowning is also
mati syahid. im somehow pleased to hear that.
actually, yesterday was the day he suppose to go operation.
heart thinggy, but he passed away before the operation .
my grandfather said that, maybe he really doesn't want the operation.
he's willing to go. last time, when his children and my uncles wanted
to search a GOOD heart specialist, he scolded them. he don't want an
operation.

its so sad to think about it.
i can never imagine how the victims feel.
its just a big lost.
all this is happening too fast.
i still can't believe it. i keep hearing his voice and imagining
him walking around the house and smoking in my balcony.
i remember the last time i saw him was
at my house. we kindda argue cause
he wanted to watch Animal Channel
and i wanted to watch Sensasi.
but at last he managed to make me smile.
yesterday was the kenduri arwah.
that was the last time for me to see his peaceful face.
it that kind of situition, he still have a smile on his face.
that smile shows everything.
he use to kiss my forehead all the time.
yesterday was my first and my last kiss on his forehead.
my first and last time to kiss his leg.
i lose control of myself.i was so weak when i saw him yesterdae.
when i kissed him. my aunt, dad, cousin had to hold me up.

he's the closest uncle amoung all.
i really love him. i miss him. everything about him.

i love you abah!
may you rest in peace.
you died as a hero. u saved 11 lives.

Thursday, May 22, 2008

.Changes.

9:48 PM

a new life. a new blog. a new email.a new everything.

my life has officially change to the worse.things happened..and i cant be the same like last time.I've lost my freedom.I've lost the trust from my parents. and i feel like I've lost my own dad.i feel disowned.i lost everything that I've got.i used to be the 'baby' in the family.money, love, care, happiness all showered on me. i got the attention more thenmy sister does.now.. all gone. a sudden change. so not ready for that.Was pampered for 15 years.. and suddenly..gone.i can never look back. I'm like a wilted flower.so hurt deep within.now..i have to work hard for my future. want to be successful.. no slacky-macky,dilly-dally and whatever else. im doing the best for us.if only..all this thing inside me would just come out as one word.

dad..i want to be your 'baby' again.

pocketful of sunshine

7:46 PM

the sun is on my side.
take me for a ride.
i look up to the sky.
and i'll know i'll be alright.